In a previous post I mentioned that I was feeling as though my opportunities were slowly vanishing and I felt stuck in life as a perpetual under achiever and forever college drop out . Turns out I am back on track, registered for two classes this summer and then I can take some online and I have a summer job plus I have some neat ongoing work for a company I temped for.
I had planed to go back to England in Sept-Oct. Well now I don't know. I have broken up with Daniel. The why is that it was in part my fault but he hung up on me and refused my calls. That shits just not cool. We are 4000 miles apart and the trust in our relationship depends on keeping in contact. I had already told him if he did shit like that to me this summer then that was it, I couldn't cope with it, so in a way I feel as though he did it intentionally to 'get rid' of me so to speak. I don't guess I can say for certain his intentions but I do know that this feels like shit. A lot of things in our relationship have been strained lately but its been on my end mostly I think. Hes excessive drinking has really bothered me but any criticism of his drinking provokes a strong defensive response. He can't see how he defends his drinking as though he 'needs' to drink, a normal person would just say well I will go without for a bit. He has been spending all his money from his new job, a lot on alcohol, and saved nothing towards the trip he was supposedly going to make to visit me. I guess thats why I got upset and hurt when he said he might not make it now that his dad might have cancer because there was a suspicion that he never had any real intention to make the trip. I know thats not true because it was his idea but I think maybe he realized he won't have enough money so soon so he is trying to preempt me so he can back out of it. Also he doesn't want to marry me and he was only going to because he had to, he said it was because he didn't want to marry anyone but in my heart I feel rejected and not good enough and I also felt cheated out of a once and a lifetime happy moment I want for myself. So there is that as well.
Our relationship has always been more good then bad, and I have almost always been happy so I feel sort of stupid ending it over a single action however I feel completely disrespected and I don't feel like I can trust him with my emotions if he can just leave me hanging the way he has. Maybe I never should have trusted him with my heart to begin with, he has always made me feel bad about myself always. Sometimes I think the things he says to me boarder on emotional abuse.
Most of all I feel disconnected, I was excited to have school and job opportunities open up, Daniel finding a job and being on track and us having a realistic plan for the future but now it seems like I can't win. Murphy's law.