Allons-y Alonso!

Who re-watch - Vincent and The Doctor

2011-10-28T01:52:00.000-05:00

This is such a lovely episode imagery and story wise that it is one of those few you will always remember like 'Blink'. It is also however what I like to call a filler episode to draw in new fans (because it lacks much ongoing plot). I love these episodes but I also hate them because I obviously want to know MORE about what is going on. It also makes for not much to speak of in my Who re-watch so we will just have to oggle the imagery.

The only thing of note is how Vincent notices Amy is crying even though she professes to be happy. She herself is not sure why and Vincent notes that he can tell she has lost someone important. Rory is in there someone eh?

Who re-watch- The Hungry Earth and Cold Blood

2011-10-17T23:47:00.002-05:00

I don't have time for both tonight so I will add in part 2 soon but its been a few days so I wanted to post.

I really loved the character of Nasreen in these two episode. I was cheering for her as a new companion, or president. She looks familiar to me also, not quite sure why, soaps probably Anyway I think she is a brilliant character. If they are ever going to do a bit of cameo or a side encounter with a character later I would love to see her again. Also she dose ask the doctor to 'come and see us' at the end so maybe.

When they are asking Rory about his tea and he says; "Just white", lol that reminds me of when I first tried to order coffee in England I was so confused, I was like um no I want black coffee with milk in it, it turns kind of brown.... The things that you look back on with bemused embarrassment. Although its you lot really that should be embarrassed, racist coffee and all.

This was a brill episode from a philosophical point of view, exposing humanities weakness and strength all in one . Also quite sad because you really want humanity to be the best, you wish every single person on this planet was shinning example but obviously we are so not.

So far each race in the series has been portrayed with a set of characteristic (either good, bad or neutral) I wonder what humanities characteristics are from an alien point of view? The Doctor has implied that we are a resilience, determined, hopeful bunch.

There isn't much in either of these episodes that relates to the on going plot. I really love the scene when Amy and Nasreen are negotiating the terms of sharing the earth, you just kind of know its doomed, as a viewer, but it such a lovely scene.

Then we get on to the crack in the Universe, Amy says "Is that the crack from my bedroom wall?" and well yes it is. The Doctor puts together that the cracks are caused by the TARDIS exploding finally when he pulls a piece of the TARDIS from the crack. The thing I don't get about this is that shouldn't that have erased him from history? Its a selective crack I guess. Anyway bye bye Rory for now. That plot line annoys me so much, Rory is like the Kenny of Doctor Who.

Who re-watch- Amy's Choice

2011-10-15T02:29:00.000-05:00

Wooohooo its the Dream Lord Ep. I loved this one and thought it was so trippy. I have been wanting to re-visit it for a while.

Same re-watch rules apply as always.

"You could be giving birth right now" Foreshadowing? Amy prego seems to be foreshadowing.

"Well, that took a while. Honestly, I'd heard such good things. Last of the Time Lords, the Oncoming Storm. Him in the bow tie." Isn't that something the doctor refers to himself as? I think 8 did an 9 as well and in the Flatmate he did as well.

"Towardy quirk shoppe" I just liked that.

The 'Dreamlord' ask Amy if she thinks she is the only on in the universe he really trust. She says "yes" and he replies "So whats his name?"

So since the Dreamlord is the Doctor I think we can take what he says as cannon. Looks like a bit of re-enforcement on some stuff brought up in season 6.

Who re-watch: Vampires in Venice

2011-10-13T01:17:00.002-05:00

Short break, had to study for those finals I hadn't bothered to worry about, but they are tomorrow and I am back to the Who. As before, you will have had to seen the episode in question to understand these scattered notes. I might reference future episodes as well. This is to devise a season 7 theory.

"I like the bit where someone says: Its bigger on the inside. I always look forward to that" got to love Rory pwning the doctor on that one.

"And so in memory of the children lost to the silence..."

Moffat, sorry but you did fuck up the whole perception filter concept.

They ran from the silence, there were cracks on 'Saturn 9'. Through some of the cracks they 'saw silence' and the end of all things.

And all the Venetians vanish. That's swell.

This episode really lends itself to the new filming style in Doctor Who. I thought the images were beautiful.

One thing I notice in this episode is that the silence is not a religious order its more like a force(well the whole tardis exploding thing). Actually I think Moffat stole the concept from The Never Ending Story. Sure sounds like the nothingness. Anyway the Religious order that we learn about called 'the silence' whom the race of the silent's are in control of seems to be something else all together. Maybe they wanted to lock the doctor in the pandorica so he couldn't speak those words on the fields of Trensimore but why would they when they think they know that their plot to kill him will succeed.

Who re-watch- Time of Angels AND Flesh and Stone

2011-10-09T01:39:00.004-05:00

Alrighty then. Here we are again, as before everything here is going to require previous viewing. This is all to try and devise a theory about season 7. This has really been loads and loads of fun for me so without further ado lets commence!

This is a two parter with my favorite Alex Kingston!

When Amy ask if River is going to be The Doctors wife one day he replies 'yes'. To me this implies that the day he tells her his name is when they get married. This adds to my theory that they A. Aren't really married, and B. will be getting married. The Doctor know very little about River at this point but he does know that she knows his name and whatever that means/implies. The Doctor does lie, but in this instance he doesn't have much reason to.

"The Doctor in the Tardis doesn't know what's going on." This is a phrase that has poped up a lot and the first instance was I think in The Eleventh Hour when prisoner zero made the same comment Then in this episode when angel Bob says it. I find it strange only because he was not in the Tardis at the time. River says somthing similar but I don't think its connected because she says " The Doctor in the tardis. Next stop: everywhere." In Silence in the Library.

And there is the doctor from the future telling Amy to remember what he told her when she was 7. Absolutely brill scene. Love or hate it, you gotta respect the planning Moffat put into this plot

When Amy ask, "What are you thinking" and he replies "Time can be rewritten" what do you think he was referring to? Maybe to the crack or fixing the crack? Maybe to the fate of River? The fact that Amy seems to have forgotten important events proving that they were erased? One thing about that I find strange is that Amy is able to remember things other people can't, here he says it is because she is a time traveler (this also excludes her from knowing about the Daleks) but latter he tells her its because she grew up with a crack in her wall. Those were separate events so maybe the effects were different. Also that would explain why Rory couldn't remember anything in The Wedding of River Song.

The Doctor clearly likes that River has been in prison, you can tell from the look he gives her when he finds out from Father Octavius. When I first viewed this I didn't know the whole story and I wasn't very suspicious of them having a relationship because The Doctor doesn't really do that, especially not this way. Its pretty clear to me now however.

When she remarks "You, me, hand cuffs, must it always end this way" I was laughing so much. Its funny the stuff you sometimes miss or don't take much notice of the first time round

Of course Moffat had to give us something to chew on....

2011-10-08T16:09:00.000-05:00

"On the Fields of Trensimore, on the fall of the eleventh, when no living creature can speak falsely or fail to answer, a question will be asked. A question that must never ever be answered." - Maldovar

There are a lot of theories on this one but lets be honest, most of them suck.

Moffat is often quite literal but no one in new Who has ever directly referred to the regeneration number of The Doctor. Is that somthing the characters can really know? Thats why I don't think this quote can be taken to mean 11ths death/regeneration. Maybe that will be a factor or result, double entendre for us viewers, but there must be some other meaning to it.

Given that the question is "Doctor who?' I think we do have to consider that River might be learning the doctor's name, its quite literal but it is Moffat.

Who re-watch: Victory of the Daleks

2011-10-08T02:00:00.003-05:00

I think this won't yield much but I am honestly having such a good time that's alright. Remember these notes will be brief... Etc.

Amy doesn't remember the Daleks. Nobody remembers the Cyber King - giant gundam thingy either but I can't remember the reason for that.

Religious Daleks!!

Threatening the Daleks with a biscuit - win.

Creepy Silence noise and CRACK. The Cracks were caused by the Tardis exploding but could The Silence have been the cause of the explosion?

Who re-watch - The Beast Below

2011-10-07T00:17:00.005-05:00

Alrighty then, lets move on. Remember these notes will be brief and require you to have seen the episode to understand.

Not a lot to discuss regarding the continuing plot so I will comment on the episode.

Why are those weird booth things sending people into the stomach of a star whale when they are too young to vote? Is this like crime management for people tormenting a star whale? Plus its weird to send children down there for a poor performance in school, that's pretty shit.

Amy's middle name is 'Jessica'.

"No, you look Time Lord"

The Doctor was really off his game this time, didn't notice the crying children connection at all. Guess we had to find a use for Amy.

Oh look at that, a crack on a whale.

2011-10-06T03:23:00.003-05:00

With each Confidential I love Moffat more and more and more. Its like I had his idea in my head from the very first scene with Alex Kingston. As soon as I heard the concept I fell in love with it and I knew it was so so right for an evolving Doctor Who. This is something I want to talk about more, this idea I have about the evolution of the Doctor, but not now. For now I just want to say that Moffat I forgive your slight fact/plot inconsistencies and I love you immensely for the absolute stunning arch heavy crazy writing that is you.

I am going to be so disappointed if confidential is really canceled. Even if they put off showing them till the end of the season to avoid spoilers I wouldn't mind.

Ok so I have begun the process of re-watching WHO...

2011-10-05T22:39:00.005-05:00

I am going to see the River episodes in 4; Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead but since those are later in Rivers Time line I will probably watch them last just to stick the knife in a little. I mean he did leave her in a empty virtual world, she won't be happy about that for long. I think he won't act on that issue until it hits home and he has to give her the screwdriver, then in true head turning Moffat style we will see the whole scene.

Anyway today I will be watching and commenting on The Eleventh Hour, oh happy nostalgia. Actually it will be really fun for me because at first I really didn't like Matt Smith. During my re-watches I will add my comments and question and try to remark on even the most inane things. The comments will be short and likely require previous viewing to understand. Once I have finished all my re-watches I will sit down with everything I then know, and hopefully better understand, to try and make a bitch'n theory about series 7.

Lets begin shall we:

Amy Pond praying to Santa? I just added this because its funny and it says something about Amy Pond.

Amelia Pond == fairy tale name?

Looks Delish.

Prisoner zero- knows about the Doctor, knows where the cracks came from. Final words: "Silence Doctor, silence will fall."

"The universe is cracked, the pandorica will open, silence will fall."

Why does Amy trust the doctor? He left her for 12 years then 2.

Duck pond - no ducks. People know something is missing but maybe not quite what. Gives validity to the whole Amy 'thinking' the Doctor back into existence. Speaking of that why did River have to spark her, why couldn't River just remember him, as she clearly did, even when her diary was blank. That wasn't explained so well I don't think. We will have to wait till I get there for more.

Foreshadowing - "Amy Pond, there's something you better understand about me, 'cause it's important and one day your life may depend on it. … I am definitely a madman with a box." -Her life does depend on it in The God Complex.

One thing I have found a new appreciation for that I never really noticed until mid season 6, Amy Pond is strange. Her reactions are very strange.

Well we know Moffat is setting up the beginnings of the pandorica plot, we can infer that prisoner zero is working with all the other baddies to lock the Doctor up but I'm not going to infer that, hes a prisoner so why would he be in on that shit from a alternate universe. Silence will fall is what brings The Doctor to a head in pandorica but it is also part of the bigger The Silence plot. Maybe we can find a missing connect in there.

Sometimes nobody dies.

2011-10-05T00:58:00.012-05:00

As of The Wedding of River Song.

As we all expected the doctor escaped death, I have some questions I will list:

Is the marriage real? I mean it was a teslasector and he didn't actually tell her his name plus the whole alternate time stream..... I am thinking better wedding to come.

Who blew up the Tardis? I feel like the answer to this is going to introduce a whole new set of plot. Maybe to arch back and tie up some more loose ends, maybe on to greener pastures like 50th ani.

Will the Doctor eventually retrieve River from the Library? I know that seems like a sort of silly question but if he took the time to save her onto the hard drive of Cal my thought has always been that he wasn't intending to leave her there. Now I don't think he can. You know how pissed River would be if he did that. I also think it is fairly obvious now that he already does but will even more so really and truly love her, he promised not to mess up their time stream up-to that point at the library but its one of those things where I feel like if he doesn't find a way to retrieve her their whole relationship will be sort-of invalidated. the only exception to this would be if his final and real death was coming soon after, in which case I think it would be kindof cruel to leave her there for eternity without him in a virtual world.

Why did they ask a asinine question like that? I get it pun and what not but there has to be more substance to it that we haven't gleaned yet. I won't speculate further atm, after I have re-watched all of 5 and 6 plus the ten/river eps I will try to come up with some conclusive theories.

On that note why does the Silence not want the question answered? That has to be the bigger more obvious question.

Why didn't Rory have memories from the alternate time stream? We know River, The Doctor and Amy could all see the different time streams at once, River and the doctor because they were the cause of it and Amy because of the whole crack in her wall thing, but Madame Kovarian was aware as well and she had no reason to be.

Amy and Rory don't seem that pissed about their baby being stolen, why? I know people think this has been addressed but I still think they need to sort of have some kind of show for the audience if that is how they intend to play it. Now that the Plot arch has had some tension release they will have to address it. Obviously nothing can be changed because it would jack up all the shit that has happen.

Will the River-Doctor thing change the River-Amy-The Doctor- Rory dynamic? Up until now it has all been harmless flirting but now it won't be and that seems like it is going to freak Amy and Rory out a bit. Alternatively River and The Doctor might tone it down, but where would the fun be in that?

The last thing I have to add isn't a question but more of a hope that they do right by this character of River Song. I do love the idea of her immensely but more then that I think she has been a long time coming. I believe Doctor Who will one day have to come to its finial end and so for us the audience we need her to believe that the Doctor had some final happiness. I know a lot of people don't agree but I think to preserve what was so loved about it, it will eventually have to end. After the movie with 8 things ended but they weren't finished, there were still ways for the doctor to return, still so many unfinished plot lines and characters still floating out there, when it is really over we will know. The main reason for Moffat introducing her is that the Doctor has changed, he had to. He has always been changing in slow an subtle ways but he had to grow, he couldn't be static and still be loved. We are realist, we know The Doctor wont be living in a fairy tale happily ever after when the show ends, he will die utterly and permanently and it will probably be for us, a sacrifice. But before that happens he has to really heal a little from his past guilt and move towards happiness or some semblance of. River might not be his final love but she represents something changing in the Doctor like we have never seen before. Hope, that he could be a little bit truly happy. Ultimately Doctor Who is a tragedy, any one who has watched it see that. What we don't know is how it will end.

On a side note: Sometimes no one notices when you are really and truly depressed and having a hard time in life.

Doctor Who Ideas.

2011-08-28T23:40:00.004-05:00

Ok so as of "Lets kill Hitler" this is what I think:

River doesn't kill the Doctor, or should I say she isn't the one in the suit. I think its got to be a better twist. I was actually thinking Amy. As for the weird eye patch lady it does infer in the trailers that River is her but that doesn't make sense, they aren't the same person and River used up all her regeneration's on saving the Doctor. As for finding Lil River I think they pretty much have too. If not Amy and Rory will be pissed. However we know River grows up with Amy and Rory so that kindof fouls things there. One thing I noticed was that Sweetie is something that River gets from the Doctor that he gets from her so that's funny because neither of them invented it. Same weird thing also with Mel- Melody, the doctor even remarks "You named your daughter after your daughter.". I think this whole past effecting future effecting the past theme is going to continue and maybe even be at the center of the whole plot. Some people have been speculating that River kidnaps herself but I don't see who that could work at this point. I feel like Rory is going to be at the center of this whole thing, he hasn't had his own story arc yet and Rory's character has been developed so nicely it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Life updates

2011-08-28T00:44:00.002-05:00

Well Summer is over, my summer job was shit and my boss still owes me over 500 dollars but whatever I survived my classes and I am already taking this semesters line up with my super liberal teachers. (BLEH) Oh well things are alright. Daniel and I are back on and my return trip in in November. I don't feel confident about the relationship anymore, I feel hurt by him all the time now. Nothing I say is right or it insults him and I have little patience anymore for him. If things aren't working after I go back this time then maybe we both want too different things. I feel so ready to move onto the next chapter of life. Marriage is what I want and it is part of that. Married, house, little garden, next chapter. I really desperately want Daniel to be in that picture but somehow he doesn't seem to fit, he doesn't want to fit. Its not what he signed up for but I thought maybe he could still be happy with it.

Halloween costume needs to be worked on this month, I need to start knitting my Tom Baker scarf.

Next post will be my Doctor Who Theories update so look forward to it!

2011-05-08T15:52:00.001-05:00

Tear stains dry long before hearts heal.

Shit gets tough

2011-05-06T02:43:00.002-05:00

Well as it turns out tit for tat is a karmatic way of life for me.

In a previous post I mentioned that I was feeling as though my opportunities were slowly vanishing and I felt stuck in life as a perpetual under achiever and forever college drop out . Turns out I am back on track, registered for two classes this summer and then I can take some online and I have a summer job plus I have some neat ongoing work for a company I temped for.

I had planed to go back to England in Sept-Oct. Well now I don't know. I have broken up with Daniel. The why is that it was in part my fault but he hung up on me and refused my calls. That shits just not cool. We are 4000 miles apart and the trust in our relationship depends on keeping in contact. I had already told him if he did shit like that to me this summer then that was it, I couldn't cope with it, so in a way I feel as though he did it intentionally to 'get rid' of me so to speak. I don't guess I can say for certain his intentions but I do know that this feels like shit. A lot of things in our relationship have been strained lately but its been on my end mostly I think. Hes excessive drinking has really bothered me but any criticism of his drinking provokes a strong defensive response. He can't see how he defends his drinking as though he 'needs' to drink, a normal person would just say well I will go without for a bit. He has been spending all his money from his new job, a lot on alcohol, and saved nothing towards the trip he was supposedly going to make to visit me. I guess thats why I got upset and hurt when he said he might not make it now that his dad might have cancer because there was a suspicion that he never had any real intention to make the trip. I know thats not true because it was his idea but I think maybe he realized he won't have enough money so soon so he is trying to preempt me so he can back out of it. Also he doesn't want to marry me and he was only going to because he had to, he said it was because he didn't want to marry anyone but in my heart I feel rejected and not good enough and I also felt cheated out of a once and a lifetime happy moment I want for myself. So there is that as well.

Our relationship has always been more good then bad, and I have almost always been happy so I feel sort of stupid ending it over a single action however I feel completely disrespected and I don't feel like I can trust him with my emotions if he can just leave me hanging the way he has. Maybe I never should have trusted him with my heart to begin with, he has always made me feel bad about myself always. Sometimes I think the things he says to me boarder on emotional abuse.

Most of all I feel disconnected, I was excited to have school and job opportunities open up, Daniel finding a job and being on track and us having a realistic plan for the future but now it seems like I can't win. Murphy's law.

And then she said to him in every horrible and ungodly way imaginable, I love you.

2011-03-27T22:22:00.001-05:00

I wrote that line years ago, I want to claim ownership of it because of all the lines and poetry I have written its the only think I was able to remember.

The Monster Of Florence.

2011-03-20T17:20:00.002-05:00

The book here at amazon

This is probably the most amazing thing I have read lately. The story itself was cool, a murder mystery with all the twist and turns one would expect. To me the most extraordinarily story was that of the legal system in Italy. When I stated this novel I didn't know about the mention of Amanda Knox at the end but I knew something wasn't right about the way she was convicted from the news, after reading this novel about the corruption in the Italian legal system I have no doubt in my mind that a innocent girl is imprisoned in what I used to think of as a very modern society.

I know what I have learned is this: I will not be traveling to Italy or any country where something like that could happen to me.

Half way to amazing, A musing on The Virgin Suicides and a Gagariffic hitchhikers-day

2011-03-18T21:17:00.004-05:00

I want your love and I want your revenge.

This is what I thought up a couple of days ago, having awesomely MS-painted up this bitch I have to say I am a genius.

Half way to nowhere:

The problem with not trying is that it doesn't work. I have been doing it for years ever since I learned what failure was like. Even though I probably had the potential to do quite a bit more then I have done with my life (which I do regret) in some ways I never felt like I had the incentive to try. It wasn't just my fear of failure but my lack of reward, the only attention I got was mostly negative, people only seemed to notice when I did poorly. Its stupid to have to say that now but in my child mind thats what was happening and thats how I was treated and I always felt that no matter what I could never succeed or make my parents happy. Now I think I am to the point in my life where I need to man up and fix things but the pieces are almost all disappeared and I don't know how to pick up the missed chances of my adolescence and change things.

My still reflecting thoughts on The Virgin Suicides:

I guess the novel is designed in a way that you relate to Lux. I do but I don't, her feelings were human and I relate to that but I never experienced her experiences beyond that every girl does. Maybe its because that was not my time or maybe its because the novel is from the point of view of out side male observers looking backwards to reflect on their own adolescence through the accounting of their observations of these girls and their tragedy. I don't even think its that, its not a tragedy really that they accounted, sure the story of their death was the end result but the life they had was what really affected the boys because of the decisions that they made as a result of that life. I think the thing I related to was not a single or group of characters but actually the observation from all the perspectives of the stories tellers of experiencing something happening and it affecting you but not being able to put your finger on the reason why.

Review: Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton

2011-01-19T06:22:00.003-06:00

I read this book last year but I am just now getting around to say my paragraph and peace.

LOVE Michael Crichton obviously but this isn't your typical MC novel because it is so much cooler-er. The premise of this book is a Arab guy gets caught up during his own quest following some vikings around which I might call a mistake considering what happens but he is the narrator so we need him. The vikings travel across Europe to come to the aide of the kingdom of some dude vaguely related to the parties leader, some crazy shit has been going on up in his opulent castle. Some monsters are coming down from the hills every night and murdering people in and around the castle. If you haven't guessed yet this book is based on Beowulf and MC has inserted a outside view point for us to get a more logical look at things. So Beowulf gets his crew to together and investigates and battles ensue and you know the rest I think. It is a really genius rewrite and you can tell he has done his research. Very highly recommend!

Why does it feel like the tower of babel up in here?

2011-01-18T19:14:00.003-06:00

I find it ever surprising that even though humans have a very finely tuned language(s) which we have developed over a million(or 's' depending on the scientist you ask) years ish. Nobody really seems to listen and understand each other today.

(insert animal) slaughter and morals.

2010-09-18T01:59:00.003-05:00

Rhino's are being killed for their horns (which are actually made of the same stuff as hair you crazy Chinese) just as elephants were before for their ivory and dolphins and whales are slaughtered in the hundreds of thousands each year all for different reason by different cultures but essentially at the core of it all what is the true reason?

Profit obviously, someone is profiting and some of those people profiting are immoral people by most standards.

And what about those politicians who ignore the wants and needs of their constituents in order to gain for them selves? Profit.

Now some (liberal minded) individuals would conclude PROFIT is the root of all evil but thats not really looking deeply enough. I know some great people who want to have a positive impact on the world who are stinking filthy rich and you can bet your sweet ass that they worked for and deserve every penny they make(and don't donate). It is obviously possible to make money, even excessive amounts of it, and still be a good person who isn't taking advantage.

What is it then in the heart of some men that cause them to care so little about those around them and the world around them that they would do terrible awful things?

Ke$ha

2010-05-18T14:37:00.001-05:00

Ok so I've decided I like Ke$ha for one reason only. Unlike all these other "new" stars she sounds exactly the same live as she does on her cd. At least shes not bullshitting us.

2010-05-18T14:27:00.000-05:00

I feel upset, Im crying. I don't know why but I think the stress is just getting to me.

Man wanted. Must dance.

2010-04-23T13:33:00.004-05:00

Little girls love their dads. Even if they don't realize it every guy they ever date has to stand a measure next to their dad. Sometimes even the stupid and mundane can mean something to a girl if her dad did it, or talked about it. I inherited a lot from my dad aside from the thick boned heritage. He taught me about politics and football (even though I didn't want to learn), about building something with your hands and about doing it right the first time. What I thought my boyfriend would be like, I learned from him too. Even though my parents fought when I was younger, a lot, I mean every single day for years. Despite all that I have vivid memories of my parents dancing. At weddings, parties, even just to the radio on cleaning day. It was how I knew my dad really loved my mom, he wasn't the touchy feely kind. And because of this I always believed dancing was a manley thing, not something embarrassing but something that was cool to do. I always dreamed about dancing with someone one day. When prom rolled around I didn't have a date, I'm not really the kind of girl who would get one, not exceptionally pretty, overly opinionated, and brash. And even though I continued to dream about the perfect guy for me I didn't ever worry about dancing, I just assumed guys would dance with you once you were serious together if he loved you.

I don't think this is something my boyfriend understands. I need to dance it means everything to me. I don't want to embarrass him, I don't want him to be forced to do something he doesn’t enjoy, I don't want to go out dancing on the weekends, I just need someone to hold me close for a few songs every once and a while and dance a few songs with me at special occasions.

I need someone who is proud to hold me close to them when Lady in Red comes on.

New radio program coming soon.

2010-02-01T16:36:00.001-06:00

People truly will beilive what they want.

2009-07-16T00:59:00.001-05:00

it doesn't mater what you say or do.

This is a really weird realization.

2009-05-26T18:13:00.002-05:00

Not startling but strange.

I want to be thin and lovely and find someone that loves me that I can stay with.

I want to build my own deck and plant my own flower garden and be finally happy.

what I don't want is this constant cycle of pain and dissatisfaction. I'm sick of being tricked into believing that I am high maintenance. I want VERY FUCKING LITTLE.

My heart just sank today.

2009-05-03T23:52:00.001-05:00

And broke in two. Total and utter Titanic.

Eating disorders.

2009-04-17T16:27:00.002-05:00

My essay.

Since I have written that i can only affirm my view. More content in the future but for now what I have to say is this: People will always believe they are too something, fat, skinny, ugly, tall, short or whatever and ED will never go away only morph into the next trend.

On that note, my self esteem is so low now I don't see how anyone could find me attractive with an attitude like mine.

Mood apathetic.

2009-04-10T01:04:00.001-05:00

SRS.

Pretty things make silver rings and people run in fear,
soon they're gone and it wont be long till life is rather drear.

Just another example of americans too afraid to fight back.

2009-04-03T13:11:00.001-05:00

The New York shooting this morning.

Just makes me wonder.

A Monster Without A Name.

2009-03-25T10:16:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time, there lived a monster without a name.
The monster wanted a name so badly that he couldn't stand it.
So the monster decided to go off on a journey to find himself a name. But because the world was so big...
The monster split into two and went on to two separate journeys.
One went to the East and the other went West.

The monster that went to the east found a village.
There was a blacksmith at the village entrance.
"Mr.Blacksmith, please give me your name" said the monster.
"I can't give you my name" replied the blacksmith.
"If you give me your name I will jump inside you and make you stronger in return."
said the monster. "Really? I'll give you my name if you can make me stronger." said the blacksmith.

The monster jumped inside the blacksmith.
The monster became Otto the blacksmith.
Otto the blacksmith was the strongest man in the village.
But one day he said:"Look at me! Look at me!""The monster inside of me has grown this big!"

Chomp. Munch. Gobble. Gulp.

The hungry monster ate Otto from the inside out.

The monster then went back to become a monster without a name.
Even though he jumped inside Hans the shoemaker....

Chomp. Munch. Gobble. Gulp.

He went back to being a monster without a name again.
Even though he jumped inside Thomas the hunter.....

Chomp. Munch. Gobble. Gulp.

He still went back to being a monster without a name.

The monster then went to a castle to find a wonderful name.
Inside the castle, there was a very sick boy.
"I'll make you stronger if you give me your name" said the monster.
The boy told him; "I'll give you my name if you can cure my illness and make me stronger." So the monster jumped inside the boy.
The boy became very healthy.
The King was delighted."The prince is well! The prince is well!" said the King.

The monster became fond of the boy's name.
He also grew fond of his life inside the castle.
That's why he endured even when he became hungry.
Every day, even when his stomach became very empty, he endured.
But because he became so hungry....
"Look at me! Look at me!" said the boy.
"The monster inside of me has grown this big!"
The boy then ate his father, servants, and everyone.

Chomp. Munch. Gobble. Gulp.

Because everyone was gone....The boy left on a journey
He walked and walked for days.....
One day the boy met the monster that went west
"I have a name" said the boy."It's a wonderful name."
And then the monster that went west said..."I don't need a name." "I'm happy even if I don't have a name."
"Because we're monsters without names."
The boy ate the monster that went west.

Even though he now had a name....
There was no one left to call him by his name.

Johan.

It is a wonderful name.

-Monster by Tatsuhiko Urahata

I am minimal.

2009-03-25T09:39:00.002-05:00

I'm just on the internet,
I always come second.

Thin is pretty.

2009-03-17T09:55:00.004-05:00

If it wasn't then I would get more dates.

The fact is thin girls look effortlessly beautiful no mater what they do or wear, they don't have to try. If they never did their makeup or hair and wore a baggy tshirt we would still think they were lovely.

I'm sick of being lied to and told thin isn't beautiful but then being rejected. I know that to be false. When I go to the bar with my thiner friends guess who gets hit on regardless of the fact that I know I have a nicer face. Its not that I want people falling all over me but I just feel lied to from when I was little. I look so perfect and thin but people always begged me to eat and made me feel bad about it. It became easy to justify a cheeseburger and fries. Then those same people turned around and told me I was fat when I weigh less then 140 pounds.

I'm really frustrated becasue I have severely cut my calorie intake and I haven't lost much weight.

I don't want to be a replacement.

2009-03-13T01:37:00.001-05:00

I know I am better then replacement quality.

Isn't anything sacred anymore? WELL ISN'T IT!!!?!?!?

2009-03-13T00:29:00.002-05:00

If you are late to meet YOUR girlfriend becasue you are buying a gift for HER best friend and then she gets hit by a car and goes into a coma you should not then a few years later DATE her best friend. Seriously.

Tri force Tatto

2009-03-12T09:00:00.001-05:00

The Scar on my forearm is already triangle shaped, it just makes sense.

Don't know what to do....

2009-03-12T05:11:00.001-05:00

I don't want to play games. I don't want to ignore you until you become more interested in me. I don't want to waste my opportunity to spend time with you. I guess thats wrong.

I'm not like anyone you have ever known before though...

I wish there was some magic thing I could do..

2009-03-11T19:33:00.002-05:00

to make things work.

Unfortunately no such magic switch exist for real life.

It shouldn't be this hard...

2009-03-10T22:51:00.000-05:00

And it isn't. I'm just prolonging something that never should have been I guess.

You talk about intimate things with other people so the things we talked about, things that I never talked about with anyone else, were never really special.

If someone loves you it shouldn't be this hard, they shouldn't say they don't care about your feelings.

I keep hearing the words "I love you" but the actions aren't there. Someone very wise once told me: "It dosen't get any better then this". She s right, things only get harder as your relationship grows, if I feel this way now barely on the cusp then things will be impossible in the future. People don't change, there is no magic in meeting really, you will never love me like I need you too. I was selfish to expect too much.

Mood: hopeless.

Ozarka bottled by god.

2009-03-07T04:08:00.000-06:00

Taste like triumph.

Its 4 hours 2 minutes into today and I haven't cried yet. Wish me luck.

I have to say before I met you I hadn't cried since I was a little girl.

Low is low.

2009-03-05T22:42:00.000-06:00

Ok so if you ever find yourself crying while trying to play and sing "Baby I lLove Your Way" you have hit a low. What you then do is bawl on the floor for a few hours, lay in bed for 20 hour then pick yourself up and play Pokemon on the Wii.

A liar and a fool?

2009-03-04T21:50:00.000-06:00

At the end of the day you didn't want to put the effort in, you just wanted to believe you still had something. Unfortunately I am the most demanding and precious thing you ever lost.

Maybe she forgave him.

2009-03-04T20:31:00.000-06:00

But she probably shouldn't have.

Dear diary.

2009-03-03T22:33:00.000-06:00

Mood apathetic.

Seriously, not really.

Relationship Math. And guys thought we couldn't think logical in maters of the heart.

2009-02-25T05:17:00.000-06:00

Our last conversation. I wish I could understand but I don't. Lets stop putting this off talk and be done

In simple math terms:

Level of commitment you say we have != what you show me with your actions

Level of commitment you show with your actions == casual friends

∴we need to reevaluate our relationship ∵ I am unsatisfied wether you think my reason are valid ⊕ not

∑ putting off the inevitable is not a lasting solution.

What I have realized is that I want a guy that wants me there no mater what becasue I sooth him and put him at ease, not someone who runs from me whenever he faces adversity.

Entropy VS Conservation of Energy, and Newtonian Mechanics.

2009-02-25T03:36:00.000-06:00

Who will win.

My point being that firstly energy cannot be created or destroyed but if a system irreversibly looses energy then the implication is that that energy goes where?

Now Entropy increases over time- Newtonian Mechanics are time reversible- entropy is not.

WTF

With the 2000$ I have saved...

2009-02-24T16:34:00.000-06:00

I could go anywhere in the world almost and yet I have to wait and save even more just to see you for a couple short weeks.

The waiting is the hardest part.

2009-02-24T03:01:00.000-06:00

The not know if your going to call, if you are going to care is stressful.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over...

2009-02-24T00:33:00.000-06:00

and expecting diffrent results. Whats more insane then that? Me knowing I'm doing the same thing over and over and I'm never going to get diffrent results but I do it anyway.

Your not going to call. You lie to everyone else why wouldn't you lie to me, even when I know you already have. Everyone lies, me included but if lying didn't ever benefit anyone we wouldn't do it. I lied to you about what I knew but you lied to me about who you were. Even then I accepted and loved you but I guess thats where the insanity comes in.

This is really my it.

2009-02-20T00:55:00.000-06:00

I love you so much, so much more then I have ever loved anything and I want you so much more then I have ever wanted anything. I have loved you longer then I have ever loved anything and so for that reason I think I can say I will always love you. I feel pushed past my breaking point, and Ive been pushed past my breaking point so many times I am starting to crumble from it. In this moment I need you to love me unconditionally and put aside your own hurt feelings which I know are my fault. I need so desperately for you to not put me through it again.

When I am depresssed

2009-02-18T18:38:00.000-06:00

I need to remember to drink liquor instead of snack.

I don't want to be too needy.

2009-02-18T16:21:00.000-06:00

I try not to be too needy becasue you say I am too needy and then you think somethings wrong. I can't win. Damned if I do, damned if I don't so to speak. I hate being fucking confused like this.

Oh well heres a more interesting bit:

In the novel 'The Metamorphosis of Prime Intellect' the main character is a Death Jocky, which for those unfamiliar with the novel is a sport she invented in which you the player try to survive a made up scenario for as long as possible with out forfeiting until you die . This is my Death Sport scenario:

You are trapped on a island with no other humans. There is minimal sustenance but enough and you have no man made items. You might be able to catch fish. You age normally. Survive.

To me that would be the worst and most horrifying of all.

Anyway Back to my earlier rant. I just want to talk to you all the time but then I feel bad for wanting that becasue I feel like a burden on you.

And in retrospect.

2009-02-17T23:12:00.000-06:00

Another weird thing with regards to lies is that she has removed me from facebook twice. Talk about hiding something. Or more personally she only wanted me as a friend to spy on me which I find totally bizzar. I guess I was an idiot for thinking we got on well I suppose that was all just put on now... in retrospect.

Truth

2009-02-17T22:01:00.000-06:00

I don't like being in the dark. It feels lost and deceptive and paranoid. And its hard becasue I have never withheld information from them and it feels unfair.

In better more bearable news. Things are suddenly looking up.

Living after midnight, loving till the dawn.

2009-02-10T09:31:00.000-06:00

Today I need to file my taxes, they have been done for ages just sitting there.

And I need to figure it out. I can't keep sending you heartbroken messages after you have ignored them so long, its stupid and pointless to send people things they don't read.

I need to bowl through four more chapters in the Chem book and then do the online exams. Then I need to switch to Bio and Finish up the history of Physic tonight so I can begin work on the text books. :<

I need alot of things but all I have are these stupid books.

2009-02-09T21:22:00.000-06:00

History is just the things we have done that we can't change or improve upon. And living based on our past accomplishments and failures is the easy road. I'm not afraid to say,

'yes I have fucked up. Yes I have succeeded in the past but just becasue I did those things good or bad or both thats not who I am and its not who I am becoming and I don't want the past to control my life and my future.'

If I can play the guitar, or if I can ace difficult test those are all just things I did and I can't make the mistake of living off past glory. I don't remember and I don't brag about the things I am told I am good at(at least I try not to). The next great thing I do won't be becasue of all my past success or failure it will be in spite of it.

I think the thing that erks me most is...

2009-02-05T22:23:00.000-06:00

I never needed to be lied to becasue I already knew the truth. The fact that you have to continue to lie is ridiculous.

Fuck

2009-02-04T18:41:00.000-06:00

Its all so complicated I supose but I think I have finally made up my mind.

On that note I am taking a practice Mcat this week. We shall see where I stand to start from.

Cold, Pale and Uselsee.

2009-01-01T21:37:00.000-06:00

By most definitions I would be dead.

But dead or alive I will be in school by this time next year as a premed major.

For some reason I thought today was going to be really good.

2008-12-20T10:02:00.000-06:00

I soon realized it wasn't. I stayed up all night, I cleaned, I did laundry and I went to the karate studio just in time to be basically told I wasn't needed. I guess I just thought SBN would like the opportunity to work solo with the two students in class becasue of the rank difference. SBN knows best right? Then I was like whatever I will go home and make Pancakes for everyone but Crystal quickly shot that down in favor of spending even more money they haven't got in favor of eating out. So everyone keeps shooting me down, whatever I hate everyone so there, suck it.

I guess today will be all about learning a new Stephen Lynch song and brooding over why the rest of the world sucks so much balls. Dena is right people thrive on conflict. So what should it be today-Prettier than you or Priest. Maybe Craig.

On this note:

" Altar boy, altar boy
Confess your sins to me
You will find the grace of god
Inside my rectory"

Ashley is

2008-12-15T04:23:00.000-06:00

going to die old, ugly and utterly alone but just dosen't care anymore. I can't have what I want so fuck it.

Which do I want more?

2008-12-15T03:37:00.000-06:00

"The only artist I have ever know who are personally delightful are bad artist. Good artist exist simply in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are."

-Oscar Wilde.

This is ironic for one considering Oscar Wilde's life.....

But if its true, which one should I choose?

Everything is pointless.

2008-12-13T02:25:00.000-06:00

Absolutely so. I cant have the only one single thing I actually want. I want it so much, so much more then I have ever wanted anything before.

2008-12-12T05:06:00.000-06:00

Some people claim that there's a women to blame- but I know, its my own damn fault.

Selfish introspection

2008-12-11T20:07:00.000-06:00

Because unselfish introspection doesn't exist.

I read a topic on LW today about some chick in love with her straight best friend. I was about to hit the reply button and dole out the wisdom of my past infatuations and relationships / almost relationships and then I realized something. While a six months of crushing will usually end its self what do you do if it doesn't end? I have liked a few select people in my day and thought it was 'the end of the world' when things didn't work out or more humiliating they didn't return the feelings. Something unique however is what if that feeling never goes away? Many knowledgeable critics agree that it will infact go away and this whole idea about never moving on is ridiculous but I say, lets find out shall we.

ON this whole note one thing I have really longed for with the semester closing is a second shot a school. I should be acing semester exams not having the far far to early life crisis I am currently experiencing. I have so completly fucked my grades up that I think my best shot at school is going to be freshman entrance. I'm going to update my test scores (I took the old SAT) and give my freshman applacation another shot. This time I am going to apply to the school I want to go to money be damned. I am going to live my selfish asshole life and quit worrying about love and what will you. I have always known you can't mold people into what you want them to be. You can love them but you can never making them deserving of your love. I will just never be deserving.

If only life was a matter of convenience.

2008-12-11T01:39:00.000-06:00

Well I haven't slept in two... going on three days. I mean I have always said sleeping is a little overrated but I take it back. Guilty conscience I suppose. I always wondered how Lord Alfred Douglass slept at night.. maybe he didn't.

So after my battery dying and the walking 2 hours in the snow

2008-12-10T11:24:00.000-06:00

I had a little bit of thinking time. And I thought. I thought maybe there is some way for me to turn things around!

I kindof wonder....

2008-12-10T02:08:00.000-06:00

What I did wrong.

I know its silly to wonder something that you were told definitively.

Its not so much a matter of know as accepting. I can't believe I am a bad person becasue that would make my whole life a lie. As human we resist things contradictory to our own existence. Then we write about it. I guess this means I am qualified to author a novel. Sometimes I think people forget I am young, sometimes I forget. I'm not accustom to making the kinds of mistakes I have been lately. I guess what it comes down to is that I have really never been truly alone. I mean I have lived on my own but I feel alone. Not alone for the night but just permanently alone and like no one cares or will care about me. My roommates have no real need of me, Ive left all my friends behind, I am not a pivotal part of the martial arts school anymore, I'm not promising or interesting or ahead of people my age any more. I feel like my whole life is just standing still. For the first time ever I really truly want someone that can love and value me and they simply don't exist. I suppose thats selfish. But its probably just unrealistic. Its glavaude' to reference the novel 'When Nietzsche Wept' so I won't but I wish I could . I wish I could be smart enough and pretty enough and I wish I could be someone worth caring about.

2008-08-20T01:19:00.001-05:00

I have learned the value of internet discretion.